And So It Is...

I went to the doctor's today for my follow-up visit for the results of the biopsy. I imagined that since my bump was shrinking in size and for all intensive purposes, going away, that the news would be good. Unfortunately, the news was not good. My bump is a well-differentiated squamous cell carcinoma. Basically, it's a form of skin cancer.

I don't know really what to say. Tomorrow I go for blood work. Next week they're going to remove the bump and part of the surrounding area. Then I have a bunch of follow-up visits. Of course I'm worried about the expense of everything. They are going to walk me through trying to get a majority of it paid for, but there are still things that won't be covered. The scary thing is that I can't feel anything. I want to be scared or to cry or to freak out about defective cells in my body, rallying against me... but I can't. I want to be angry and resentful of sunny days... but I can't. I worry about things like how much it's all going to cost. I worry about what will be left unfinished should things take a turn for the worse. All of these worries though are cerebral activities and calculations, like math problems.

Perhaps it's for the best that I am unaffected emotionally.

When I was leaving and talking with the scheduling woman, I sighed. She was very kind and asked me if there was anything wrong. I smiled, trying to comfort and reassure her and said, "Everything is as it is meant to be. I can't do anything, but what needs to be done."

I drove home through the pouring rain, the lights of passing cars flashing by me.