Thursday, October 07, 2010

Yuck...

The past few days have been a whole lot of yuck. Dreary skies. Even drearier news. I get told that I have cancer and that it's a common cancer, but that it could be indicative of worse things since I'm so young and this particular kind of skin cancer is only common in much older people. They won't know more until they remove the bump and the surrounding area and do more tests. More tests... more time at the doctors... more time to sit in waiting rooms and on paper-covered examination tables.

Today I was supposed to go to Pittsburgh for some blood tests. It was deceptively sunny out and I was in higher spirits. Isn't it strange that something that potentially gave me cancer could make me feel so much better after the grey days and bleak news? In any event, I had just passed through Murrysville on my way to the city, when I started to hear a rattling when I pushed on the accelerator. Then smoke started to billow out from under the hood.

I pulled over and inspected the car. Antifreeze was gushing all over, splashing the hot engine and sending up noxious fumes. Upon seeing this, I was reminded of my youth when I was involved in martial arts. It was the acute sensation of being kicked in the gut.

In my mind, the antifreeze transformed into dollar signs... evaporating into the air with a hiss and leaking out all over the asphalt. Really, there couldn't be worse timing. It's as if the Universe is playing some kind of cruel joke and I'm the butt of it.

I had the car towed to a mechanic near my home. It was an awkward ride home with the stranger hauling my jeep. I knew if I opened my mouth, everything would come pouring out and I didn't want to burden this man with my troubles. I politely smiled and planned and calculated in my head just how I'm going to pay for this new development. The mechanic won't be able to see it for a week, which gives me a few days figure things out. I won't have my car for a week (if not more), which will definitely put a hamper on my mobility and my options.

I'm done for tonight. I'm going to bed and hopefully when I wake up in the morning, all this yuck will disappear with the rising of the sun.

26 comments:

Kristen said...

First there is nothing common about having cancer because You have cancer. Yes they will remove the bump and surrounding tissue and you will have to be checked carefully and often in the next 2 years but.....when you know it is out of you there will be light and sunshine (with heaping amounts of sunscreen) but it will be there I promise! I of all people know that this doesn't help right now and that your mind and the universe seems to be working against you so right now I need you to do what you need to do, feel what you need to feel, say what you need to say and be who you need to be it is the only way you can get through this and to the other side. I am here with you all the way no judgments just support!
Hugs

mansuetude said...

if it helps, i know a man who had a bump from skin cancer. they cut it out (immediately) and all the surrounding tissue, they cut it deep, to got it all. after one year, no cancer in the tests there, and the deep cut is just barely a hairline scar not hardly visible. it felt like a kick in the guts, too--the visceral gut of fear, Without the car troubles on top of it.

Go slow. Inside yourself i mean.

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry. I hope tomorrow is brighter.

MoonRae said...

~prayers and light for you~

SueBeads said...

Andrew, better day tomorrow! Thinking about you a lot!

Alice said...

When it rains, it pours! It may not seem like it now, but it will get better. One day you will wake up and the cancer will be gone, the wound will have healed, the car will be repaired, and this will all be a faded memory.

I'm sending bright thoughts your way.

Anna Lear said...

just wanted to send ((((hugs)))) and good vibes for a quick turnaround.

SummersStudio said...

Poor, possum. Car trouble on top of all of your health issue. Sending you a bit of W TX sun and huge hugs and heaps of warm feeings.

jamberry_song said...

Uncomfortable news, all. :( Here's hoping that it's not indicative of worse things, that your car will turn out ok (I can sympathize in that this week). The skies are breaking finally; I hope everything goes up from here for you.

TesoriTrovati said...

I have concern for your well-being and healthy state of mind, but I am not worried. You are a beacon to those of us that know you. You shine light into our lives. We are here to shine that one to you now.

Prayers and hugs and clear skies are coming your way.

'Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.' Find your 'something goods' and relish them. They make life.
Enjoy the day.
Erin

Spirited Earth said...

i'm so sorry this week has been pile upon pile of stress.
maybe it's time for an andrew fund drive.

Margot Potter said...

Oh, Andrew. If I was there I'd give you a giant hug and make you a huge pot of chicken soup. Not that these things would solve your worries, but methinks a little TLC is needed.

I am thinking the best thoughts and sending my strongest guardian angels your way.

Love
Margot

flyingbeader said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Andrew. I work to two guys who have had this & they are both fine & just have had to learn to live without Sun exposure. But then the old saying, when it rains....comes to my mind. I live just West of you so hopefully this sunny Ohio weather will come your way & make today & this next week a little more bright for you.

kvk said...

Dear Andrew - I read this last night and could think of nothing else. I waited until this morning to comment, not sure what I could say that might bring some light or perspective.

I wholeheartedly second Kristen and Erin's comments. You are a bright star in this world. Your generosity and thoughtfulness is beyond compare and I am honored to have this bit of a connection with you.

And I hope this doesn't sound trite, but as everything is getting sorted out, take lots of time to play with Paulo and Babette. Their unconditional love is a balm for the soul and, in this challenging time, will not fail to bring a smile. A little joy goes a long way.

blessings - kvk

Imaginative Jewelry said...

Andrew, all I can say is that I will send prayers and light your way.
I have a friend who is a breast cancer survivor and another friend that is just receiving her last session of chemo and it has been successful. They have both told me that there are trivial things that they have not been able to let go of in their lives, but they have trusted God with their disease, and just lived one day at a time. Now it seems as if cancer is something of the past.
I am sure that clear sky days will come, and just feel, talk and say whatever you need to say. I find this a relief.
My best wishes are with you.

jenna@sweetfineday said...

I hope the sun is shining on you today, Andrew. xo

Kinderhook said...

Oh, damn, Andrew. Such calamitous things all happening in a short while. In addition to the prayers and white healing light I'm also going to pray that this be the end of the crap for you and that you have smooth sailing from now on. Get that thing cut out, get cancer free, and glide in your car that will be repaired for not too much money! Those are thoughts I will hold for you. I'm so sorry this all had to happen and doubly sorry it had to happen all at once. --Sally

Emerald Window said...

Hi Sweety,
Please drop by my blog and watch the video I just posted. It sounds sacriligeous to say this, but cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to me. The video will explain.
Hang in there. Better days are ahead.
PS - I used my chemo time to bead fabulous brooches for all of my support people - all 125 of them!
Cenya

Joana said...

That sounds like an awful week.
I hope everything brightens up soon! Sending you healing energy and bright thoughts.
hugs!

Softflexgirl said...

:(

Roberta said...

Better days are coming. I just know it.

Stacie said...

You are going to be fine...I know it! Very sorry to hear you are having to deal with it, though....sending you light and love Appalachia....

Sharon Driscoll said...

Enough already universe! I've got candles lit and if a Russian incandation will help I'll figure one out and do it in public. Peace be with you Andrew and may your spirit receive some relief soon because I am sure your body is going to be healed. Many old lady hugs...

Jenny said...

Even events that are tragic and depressing have gifts. Once you have sorted this out, you will see. There is a certain amount of grieving you must do. You may end up altering your lifestyle in some way. There may be angst, there may be tears.

Later on, when looking back on all this, you will realize you are a stronger, wiser person. You will understand that you've been living with the carefree attitude of youth, which is a wonderful, blessed gift, but which does not last for any of us. One day you will come to understand that you got through a frustrating, expensive moment with your vehicle, a scare with your health, and after that, you'll go through life with a new confidence that there is very little that could happen that you can't handle. There is incredible joy and freedom in that. You will cherish having a strong, steady hand to give to others who are going through hard times, too. But before getting there, there are dues to be paid and that's what's on your immediate path.

It's all part of the journey, my friend. The path is not always enjoyable, but in the end it is worthwhile and will yield rich rewards. Hang on to that thought and take the next step.

Nicki said...

I am sending you lots of hugs and love and strength and patience and stillness. It will all turn out ok.

Iviva Olenick said...

Andrew, I am so late reading this, and I am so sorry to learn this news. Imagine all the people you love surrounding the cancer and squelching it with their love. I am thinking of you and imagining your recovery and all of the happy years you have ahead.