Monday, July 04, 2016
I think though I've needed some quiet time. I haven't abandoned the world completely. I've tried to keep up through Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram. But even with those things... I have to admit that it has been hard to hold my attention for very long.
Up until recently there was such an urgency to stand still. I couldn't wait for time to create and breathe. And now that I have it... well... the challenge is finding a balance and a rhythm. I've never been very good at creating sustainable routines. I've always bitten off more than I could chew and attacked it with vigor. I just got used to walking around with this deep down tiredness. It wasn't a bad thing. I'm proud of the things I've made and the accomplishments that I've achieved. The tiredness was something I earned. It was a confirmation that I had worked hard. What I created was rewarding, but at the same time something that I couldn't maintain or sustain longterm.
Now that I have more time and more freedom, the question becomes how to slow the pace down, without coming to a grinding halt. When you're used to rolling down a hill, picking up speed, level ground can seem maddening and sometimes more than a little frustrating. Going uphill can almost seem like you aren't going anywhere at all.
Knowing exactly what to do isn't easy. I don't think I've ever been in this position before. It's kind of like guessing what the best medicine is. I suppose the idea is to treat the symptoms and hope it takes care of the root of the problem. Really, I think I just need to do a deep clean and a deep purge and get organized. And... not just with my possessions either. I have all these lingering projects and commitments. I'm a member of all these clubs and committees, but in so many ways, my participation is in name only, because I am too concerned about taking on anymore responsibility. I don't want to let anyone down, but I also don't want to drop out completely. I also have stacks of projects on my work bench that I need to finish. They pile up, making my list longer and longer. I mentally run through the list and get tired just thinking of all the things that need to get done. I do know that the satisfaction of crossing things off that list will be balm for the soul. Regardless of whether or not it solves the world's problems, at least it'll make me feel better.
Writing these words, I see now that there's something else missing. While I've enjoyed my time away from blogging, I think I've inadvertently done myself a disservice. Blogging, whether done publicly or for my eyes only, allowed me to collect my thoughts and organize my ideas. The other forms of social media are great, but they seem so ephemeral in comparison. I have to admit... I tried SnapChat. It seemed so futile to me though. Like I was constantly feeding a beast, but I was only getting empty calories in return. The depth and nourishment just wasn't there. What I made and presented to the world was there and then it was gone. I imagine that there's a deeper beauty in this message – a statement on life and death and our society. It's just not the message for me at this time. I want to dig my fingers in and grab at life, capturing the moment, and making it mine. I might have to give it up eventually... we all have to give it up eventually... but for now, I want to hold on to it and call it my own until it is gone.