Tuesday, October 05, 2010

And So It Is...

I went to the doctor's today for my follow-up visit for the results of the biopsy. I imagined that since my bump was shrinking in size and for all intensive purposes, going away, that the news would be good. Unfortunately, the news was not good. My bump is a well-differentiated squamous cell carcinoma. Basically, it's a form of skin cancer.

I don't know really what to say. Tomorrow I go for blood work. Next week they're going to remove the bump and part of the surrounding area. Then I have a bunch of follow-up visits. Of course I'm worried about the expense of everything. They are going to walk me through trying to get a majority of it paid for, but there are still things that won't be covered. The scary thing is that I can't feel anything. I want to be scared or to cry or to freak out about defective cells in my body, rallying against me... but I can't. I want to be angry and resentful of sunny days... but I can't. I worry about things like how much it's all going to cost. I worry about what will be left unfinished should things take a turn for the worse. All of these worries though are cerebral activities and calculations, like math problems.

Perhaps it's for the best that I am unaffected emotionally.

When I was leaving and talking with the scheduling woman, I sighed. She was very kind and asked me if there was anything wrong. I smiled, trying to comfort and reassure her and said, "Everything is as it is meant to be. I can't do anything, but what needs to be done."

I drove home through the pouring rain, the lights of passing cars flashing by me.

41 comments:

kate mckinnon said...

Andrew. I'm sorry to hear your diagnosis, but hope that it's totally contained and when they remove it, they feel comfortable that they got it all.

I'm so glad you went in.
LOVE
Kate

jenna@sweetfineday said...

you'll get through this. You will. We are pulling for you. It is as it's meant to be, just as you say, and the good news is that you have caught it.
I know you are worrying about the money. How can you not? I pay 1400 a month in private insurance and I still found myself worrying about the money when I took the kid to the ER this summer. But talk with the hospital - they often lower the bills for the uninsured... Thinking of you. Sending good thoughts your way.

schmuecklinge said...

you are strong and wise. agape lotte

For My Sweet Daughter said...

I had insurance and some of my recent bills were not covered and the hospital is working with us to help. Don't worry about the bills they will get paid somehow. You need to focus on being positive and getting well.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Shannon

Marie Cramp said...

Oh Andrew, how awful! I wish I could help, but I would have no idea where to start. I understand the struggle of bad health, and I also know that our heavenly father would never give us more than we could handle. This is a trial to make you stronger, and it will. Focus on the positive, you will make it through! We will all be there for you!

Indonesia Heritage said...

Be strong! And never lose your wisdom. If something bad happen to us, keep thinking that all of these will shape us become new person right *fighting*

Robbie said...

Easy for me/us to say don't worry but do try not too. My DIL just had this surgery and had to go back TWICE to have surrounding tissue removed. this is a good thing it was caught now and not later! There are so many assistance plans out there...do put forth the effort to pursue them. Take care!

peggy aplSEEDS said...

just to let you know that i dropped by and i'm sending my healing thoughts and prayers your way

Regina said...

You are in my thoughts and I will say a special prayer for you. Do not worry about the bills. Do what you need to get done to remove it all and be healed. God bless you and keep you strong.

SueBeads said...

Andrew - squamous is very curable - you will be fine!!! I will pray for you every day... you will be fine!

SummersStudio said...

Oh sweet boy, the emotional distance is what we get to do when things are too overwhelming to deal with all at once. When it truly hits you take a moment to feel sad, even cry. Make yourself a cup of tea and feel it. It's a scary thing, made even more so with all of the medical costs. But really, you will be fine. Deep breaths and all and I will light a candle for you as a reminder to keep you in my thoughts.

Spirited Earth said...

i know this is a bad shock for you..and perhaps there in is the lack of feeling ..shock
there is so much to think about..too much
your health is really the only concern..hospitals will work with you on fees..so try and set that aside if you can
you have a tide of prayers, good thoughts and people who truly care wrapping around you.

Jeni said...

Hugs & healing thoughts from me. Everyone else has given good advice. You'll do fine-I suspect the world is a better place with you in it. :)

stregata said...

Sending prayers your way!

Nally said...

Please hold on! Sending prayers your way too.

Sharon Driscoll said...

How difficult this is. But, I am thinking the universe has sent you an early warning. As for the emotions I have a smaller theory on that. God kind of leaves you in a tempory "shock" and Awe" faze so the treatment details can be accomplished and all of the final test be had. And,...when that is done there are oceans of time to cry and shake for might have been and how close you had actually to come to tragedy. And, I predict there will be crying and much relief. For now the shock and the ability to move forward is a necessity - just embrace it, a new phase will come soon enough.

Hang in there! Please...

TesoriTrovati said...

Stay strong, Andrew. The most important thing is that you went in and they are able to do something. Let the rest of it fall where it may. You can only do what you can do.
I follow a blog of a local photographer called LisasChaos. She is chronicling her cancer treatment through her blog in words and pictures. I think you might resonate with what she is doing. Check her out:
http://lisaschaos.com
Enjoy the day. And know that we are all praying for you.
Erin

Sabine said...

Sending you positive vibes from the desert. I am thinking about you while looking at a little piece of art you sent me this summer.

Ann

taralinda said...

Looks like lotsa love 'round here for you Andrew! Sounds like you're handling things just fine; You can handle this. Like you say...'simplicity always',
will get you through this too. tara

Moags and Smeet said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. They have great success with early identifications and treatments these days. Good luck, be well.
~ Laura (Moags)

Patricia Wood said...

Take it slow and as it comes. Listen to your body and know that powerfull positive thoughts are sent your way. Blessings,
Patricia

Kristen said...

Oh Andrew please please please read this post and e-mail me with any questions you have!!!!!
kristen-beadjourney.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-i-was-hit-by-that-train.html

All my heart is with you right now!!!!!

Courtney said...

Sending good thoughts and prayers!

Alice said...

Sorry to hear of the diagnosis. Believe me when I say they have come a long way in treating such skin cancers as this.

Don't be afraid to let your feelings out. Anger, worry, sadness, they are all meant to help you through the process of healing. When you're ready, acknowledge these feelings, and let them go.

My prayers are with you through treatment and healing.

Cynthia of Cynful Creations said...

Adding my best wishes and support to those who have typed before me, Andrew. It is a scary time and I am sorry that you have to walk this path but I know you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way.

Gina Chalfant said...

Focus on healing. Forget the bills. They'll be payed one way or another. If there's anything we can do please let us know. My thoughts are with you.

Gaea said...

Thank goodness you didn't ignore it! I am sending you good thoughts. You are strength and grace personified!

Gaea said...

P.S. Let me know if I can help.

AJ said...

I'm sorry to hear that the diagnosis was not good and that you have to worry about money on top of your health. You'll be in my thoughts.

Lynette said...

Dearest Andrew, I am thrilled that you did not ignore your little bump. Self-love is an incredible virtue, and you have it my friend. Continue on your journey, Keep doing what you know, because you know a lot!! May the rivers and streams of your body mass continue to work smart now, and in the future. I'v been chanting for you, and your little bump. Much Kindness and Gentleness, lynette

Hannah said...

You'll be in my thoughts, and I'll hope for the best possible outcome for you. Stay strong.

swopemelmel said...

Dearest Andrew, I can only say that my heart is with you. It will remain with you as you embark on this frightening journey. All will be well Andrew I feel it. swopemelmel@aol.com

Kinderhook said...

I can only repeat what I said on FB, please concentrate on being healthy. They will get rid of that nasty stuff and you will be well. Make a mantra of something like that! I so believe in the power of positive thinking. And if you're having trouble being positive, everyone here is holding that for you. Best wishes --Sally

Mellisa said...

Positive thoughts your way...yes, the numb coping phase tends to last for a while...as someone said above, it does allow you to take care of the details.

Stacie said...

Thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way! It is hard not to think about the money but try to concentrate on taking care of you and let everything else take care of itself.

quiltingjewel39 said...

Andrew - I am so sorry for your diagnosis. Been there and know what it is like. You will get through it - focus on healing and taking care of yourself - that's what's important. The bills will somehow get paid. Hugs and prayers.

Trish said...

Wishing you well and sending positive thoughts Andrew.

Jenny Steinbeck said...

Best wishes to you Andrew. Glad they caught it and I know you will get through this.

Jenny

Cynthia said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

SharonP said...

You are not alone...many, many prayers and healing, positive energy surround you. Be very good to yourself, you will be cured.

Releases by Rufydoof said...

My thoughts are with you. At least you now have answers and can start doing something ... sending you lots of positive thoughts and energy from the Land Down Under!!

Karyn