Monday, November 07, 2011

Tabula rasa...

I wrote a half dozen entries, but each time I went to post them... I stopped.  They didn't seem right.  The words and pictures felt forced.

I realized that I was holding on too tight.  My goal was to capture the moment, but instead... I was strangling it.  I was burying anger and resentment and feelings of betrayal.  The more I pretended that they weren't there, the harder it was to express myself.  The more I bottled it up, the more I bottled myself up with the salty mix of regret and bitterness.  I kept revisiting how disappointed I was in a business opportunity that ended.  Ultimately the dissolving of that particular tie was a relief and a blessing – opening doors to new and better things, but still the shadow tainted what should be a happy time.

And then I wrote the words on the back of a leaf.  The leaf was still green, but edged with brown and red.  Its time was done too.  I wrote the words on the back of the leaf and when I was finished pouring out the feelings of hurt in a hurried hand, I cast it into the creek that runs along the road.  I could see the ink lift and the words smudge as it floated away... drifting away, away, away.

So, here I am... writing perhaps the first "real" post in a long time.  They too are clicked out with hurried hands, before I have a chance to reconsider.  I've put into this post more than just the recounting of an act of cleansing, but my hope for the good things ahead and blank slate I'm leaving behind.