Friday, June 29, 2012

Four Corners...

I carefully constructed a post called, "The Geography of Living".  In it, I compared life to different natural features like mountains, rivers and canyons.  But when I read back over the words, it seemed too clever.  It seemed too slick.  It said a lot, but it didn't say exactly what I wanted it to say.  So, I deleted it.

What I didn't like was how sad and angry it made me sound.  It made me sound ungrateful and as if I didn't really care... or rather, that I did care, but just about my bleeding heart and nothing else.

It's true that I'm still processing and still in shock.  I'm still getting used to the idea that Dwayne is back.  (Even saying his name is a big step!  For years, his name was taboo.  If you said it, my mom would instantly start crying.)  When I got back from my trip, I threw myself into my work to help take the edge off things.  One might think it's weird to have to "cope" with a happy event... it's just that there are years of issues to deal with.

But I will spare you... instead of waxing poetics, I will share this photo of us "kids".  It's the first picture of all four of us in over two decades.

10 comments:

Tapestry Beads - Jill Wiseman said...

It's not weird at ALL. It would be weird if you didn't have a lot of anger and sadness because as good as it is that he's back, there's still the reality that he chose to hide from the family for 20 years and put you all through tremendous pain. It will take a lot of time. It's going to be a long journey. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling what you're feeling. XOXO

Lori Bowring Michaud said...

It's a process Andrew, I don't think there's a right or wrong way to work your way through it - just your way. Take your time, your heart while hurting, will help you find your way. What a beautiful family.

Becky Pancake said...

Hi Andrew, Thanx for sharing with all of us. In 2009 my husband found a brother he didn't know he had. We went through all the emotional stuff too. Just let it happen.

Joan Tucker said...

Andrew, deal with your stuff; heal through it; then move on with your life; so many people are rooting for you. Take the time it takes.. hugs, Joan T

Alice said...

I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster you and your family have been on since finding out your brother is alive and well. This will take time to digest and process. Give yourself that time, and don't feel guilty about any emotions you are feeling---good or bad.

Andrew Thornton said...

I don't know how to love without worry of abandonment... at least not really. Fearing that one day, they'll disappear. For a long time, I kept people at arm's length to prevent the seemingly inevitable time when I would be left behind... a seven year old crying under the table. It's a slow process. But I am fortunate enough to have people in my life who are restoring my belief in the power of unconditional love. I am lucky to have a family that is knitting over old wounds and trying to make a better go of it. It's hard to forget though what it was like to be that child. To be the one left behind.

Sara Oehler said...

This sounds like such a difficult situation. Sometimes difficult situations offer an opportunity for growth that would never be possible if everything was easy.

Diana P. said...

Andrew, just take it one day at a time. He was gone for a long time and it's going to take a long time to heal. ::hugs::

Sharon Driscoll said...

It's okay to "feel" all of the emotions involved with this reunion. Maybe I am wrong but I don't think an angry young adult (your brother) would be totally cognizant of the impact his decision was going to have on a seven year old child (you). And once the wheels were in motion...well, circumstances and stubborn pride can overwhelm common sense. The dynamic of it is not much different than a child left abandoned by divorcing parents. Ripped apart - is ripped apart. Healing takes work and time.

Be kind to yourself Andrew - this tragedy is part of what makes you -you. And THAT is one of the things people love about you. Your ability to touch others on a level that not all people can reach.

Remember - after all the emotions have been processed there are two things you can take to the bank.

1. You can forgive but not forget. It's okay to do that.
2. Forgiveness is for you - not the forgiven. It releases a heavy burden only you carry in the form of anger, etc.

Missed catching you at B&B - my loss - but had a nice conversation with Bob Burkett.

Sorry - the old counselor coming out in me!

Higgins Design Studio said...

I remember when I first started following your blog, you were having dreams about your brother. The love for him has been there all along, mixed in with the hurt and feelings of abandonment (well founded).
One cannot expect all to be OK after so very long. But in time, the hurt will hopefully become a distant memory and the healing will bring abundant joy & love.
Bee good to yourself and the rest will fall into the places it belongs... good or bad.