Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Egg Moon...

After a particularly stressful day, I stepped out on the porch.  It was surprisingly cool and I instantly regretted not taking a walk earlier in the day to enjoy the distinctively nice weather.  Soon it'll be too hot and muggy to enjoy a leisurely stroll without getting overly sticky.

As I thought about my day and all the things I didn't do that I wanted to do, I noticed how bright it was outside (after 9PM) and looked up.  I saw the moon, looking like a glowing egg precariously balanced in the loose clutches of some straggly branches.

Before I realized I was even doing it, I was laughing.  I was laughing at myself... or maybe at the moon... or maybe at the mental image of an awkward bird poking its head from the Egg Moon.  I don't know.  Perhaps this was a grade A example of lunacy.

What I do know is that I work a lot.  It seems like I am always in the middle of something and trying to make something happen.  And while I enjoy what I do for the most part, there are days when it seems harder than usual or necessary.  Over the years, I've learned to cut myself a little more slack... I've come to terms that I can only do so much and there are limitations to what I can accomplish.  It's a hard concept to come to terms with, especially for a workaholic like myself.  I have to remind myself of this simple fact every now and then to keep it fresh in my mind.

I think where the friction arises comes from the intersection of my own expectations of myself and those of others.  For example, I expect my friends and colleagues to be loyal or that they won't take advantage of me or that the work I do is not in vain.  I hold them to the same principles that I hold myself to.  And I know that it's stupid.

"Expectation breeds disappointment."  This was a lesson that I was taught early on.  In her thick Filipino accent, my mother constantly said, "Don't count the chicks before the eggs hatch."  With this logic, I could wait all the rest of the nights of my life for the Egg Moon to hatch, but it never will.

The message I took away from my moment out on deck wasn't to abandon hope and retire to the loony bin.  It was that if there is something that I want or there is something that I feel is important to express, I have to be the one to do it... I have to be the one to say it.  I can't expect others to want to do what I feel is right.  I can't expect someone to care about what I care about.  I can't expect others to acknowledge my feelings without expressing them first.  Bottling everything up only hurts me and there's no room for growth or a way to alleviate a situation.  I can't change anyone else.  I can only change myself and my expectations.

The Egg Moon will only hatch when I give life to the little fledging within.  The bird of my imagination can only take flight if I give it wings and allow it to soar.  Wishing and waiting for something that will never be is only a lesson in frustration.


Stories They Tell said...

Nicely said, Andrew. A wiser person than I once said that having an expectation about something doesn't make it better if that thing happens but it does make it more of a disappointment if it doesn't. The main point is that we all have to take responsibility for our feelings and actions. Nobody can really make you feel good but you can choose to feel good yourself.

TesoriTrovati said...

How very adroit, Andrew! I love the symbolism of the egg. The potential. The possibility. The waiting and the watching. This is a particularly apt reflection, "I think where the friction arises comes from the intersection of my own expectations of myself and those of others." I know that I have had to let go of what others perceive of me because their reality of who I am is not what is true. Only I know that. You always make me think and that is a beautiful thing. You are a beautiful soul. Enjoy the day. Erin

Shai Williams said...

What a wonderful post! I really look forward to your posts as they are always so insightful and really cause to question myself and my expectations.

Andrew Thornton said...

Christine, I agree with you. I have a great little Anne Choi bead that says, "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself". It seems like I should turns this into my talisman... at least for the moment.

I wish that life lessons could be won like merit badges and that once you've mastered a concept, you can wear it proudly and always have it. More often than not, I find that life lessons must be relearnt periodically... as we continue to grow and change.

Andrew Thornton said...

Thank you for your kind words, Erin. And I agree that one must let go of what others think in order to achieve a full and total actualization. It's easier said than done! Maybe if I was a hermit I could master it after a decade of meditation, but when you're of the world and must interact with others... it gets a little trickier.

Even though it's trickier, I think it's very necessary. I have to relearn the importance of setting boundaries, not only for myself but for others and their perceptions of me.

Andrew Thornton said...

Thanks, Shaiha! I miss having more time to think. In some ways the blog has evolved into a "this is what I'm doing now" blog... particularly since we opened the store, but I'm trying to change that and get back to my roots of flaying back the layers of life and having a good dig around.

Thanks for continuing on this path with me!

kathyd said...

Amen ... I hear you .
i needed this ...
thank you for being you .

Joan Tucker said...

little bird sure looks excited; we just watched a birdhouse full of junkos nest and raise their young; always full of promise;
I am working with wax and making some lovely messes, creating for only you is the best medicine. no eye on sales , no market research, no who think it has merit, just pure expression and creative juice.go for it Andrew and what one wise friend told me.. "Remember no one is keeping score, it is just life" HUgs, Joan T