Saturday, November 28, 2015

Getting Back to Me...

I'm sitting at my desk in the room in the new house that will be my temporary studio.  I am surrounded by boxes and half assembled furniture.  It's a daunting task to go through everything, to find homes and places for all the little things.  I'm not deterred though.  It is a good feeling and one that I'm relishing.  I am a bird building a nest.

There is potential here.  I can feel it like the fast-beating pulse of blood behind skin.  I can almost see it, like shimmering rivers behind the walls. All I have to do is reach out and grab it, plucking it like a squirming, silvery fish.

The truth is... I've been blocked lately.  That river of energy has been just a bit out of reach.  While I could press myself up against it, trying to submerge myself in the quick moving currents, I simply couldn't.  I laid floating on the surface, on the verge of losing myself in act of creation.  This is not to say that I've been devoid of creativity or that I have been sitting stagnantly... I have been making things.  It's just not the same.  It's kind of like the difference of running through the pine grove of my youth, screaming and laughing, chasing after friends and friends chasing after you... and running in the rain, getting drenched, trying to drag your suitcase and flag down a fleet of unstopping taxi cabs to get to your next destination.  One is an act of joy and the other is an act of necessity.

As I unpack the boxes, I'm also unpacking our new life.  We've had some big changes recently.  We've found our new home and William has moved over to the store full-time.  And I am... I am getting back to me.

While I have loved being at the store and meeting so many great people, I think that after awhile I was losing touch with myself.  I got caught up in things like restocking bags, answering emails, and trying to build up the business as best I could.  And while I did it and did it for years, it wasn't the right fit.  My strengths lie in making things, finding things, and telling stories.  Until William could really devote all his attention to the store, I've sort of been trying to cover all the bases, running back and forth.

Before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion... I'll still be involved with the store.  It's my baby and I'll still be at the brick and mortar on a regular basis.  I'll just be focusing the majority of my energies on creating and acquiring new things and developing more online content and connection.   We'll also be working on separating the idea of me and the brand of the store.  Over the years, those things have gotten muddled and have become interchangeable.  As I scroll back through my blog, I've noticed that it has become less of a chronicle of my journey as a creative person and more about the things we do at the store.  While fun and still engaging, I've also noticed that my posts have become fewer and less frequent.  I guess somewhere in all the things I've had to do to make the store a success, part of my personal journey had to go into hibernation.  It has been a trade off that I've been happy to make, but I'm looking forward to refocusing a little on myself.

The changes ahead are a little frightening.  I've gotten so used to doing things a certain way and people have grown used to my haphazard methods.  I think it'll be a good change though and a needed one.  This will allow us to grow, not only as a business, but personally I'll be able to tap back into that potential and explore more of the things that make me happy and bring me joy.


Heather Powers said...

I so relate to this post! Stress and managing a business has left me without much creativity lately too. I hope your new roles invite more time for play and finding that joy as an artist. Wishing you a very creative start to December.

Leslie said...

Like Heather said, I so relate to this post, too. I've been in a non-creative slump so long now that I've started doubting my abilities. I expect once you're all settled in, your creative muse will return. I'm sure it will! Thank you so much for the inspiration you've provided me with for years now.

Rebecca said...

Totally relate to all of that too! A balance between life and work, especially when you're self-employed, is a tricky business, and so I'm glad you're making these positive steps to reclaim 'yourself'.