Ticket...

The first time I got off the airplane in New York City, I felt like I had finally started my life.  I was starting a great adventure.  Part of that adventure was discovering who I was as a person and where I wanted to go.

It's been over a decade since I took those first steps into adulthood and five years since I've been back to the City.  At one point, I couldn't imagine leaving it behind.  So much of who I am was hammered out in those early years... pounded down, cast in the fires and forged anew each day.  I think back to those moments of certainty and chuckle a little to myself.  That vision of where I would be and where I was meant to be changed and in that change, I started over and found a new life.  The new life was tested by illness and made stronger by survival.  That new life found roots and built a venture, bead by bead.  That new life has grown in love and stretched higher and deeper than I ever could imagine.  That new life is here now.

As I prepare to embark on a trip back to the City that helped shape me, to see people I knew and places I've left my heart, to walk the paths I once walked, and retrace steps I've taken before... there's a mix of excitement, nostalgia, and a strange sense of hesitation.  So much has happened since then.  So much has changed.  I feel like a stranger, coming home.

As I prepare to leave, I am packing.  I'm not just packing my bags with clothes or supplies for classes... I'm packing my heart with courage.  It's hard to say why I need to do this.  It's not like it's a foreign country or that I'll be alone.  I think it comes from facing familiarity full-on and seeing... really seeing... how much has changed.  All of the things that have led me up to this point were reactions to actions, a winding road of cause and effect.  I think the strangeness stems from a five year full circle, coming upon the first domino again after so many have click-clacked over.

There's no time to dwell.  I've got my ticket and there's a train to catch.