Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Balancing Acts...

As I try to cultivate a more mindful existence, in-tune with the experiences of my life, I notice the reoccurring theme of balance.  I see how when things are balanced, I feel more connected with the moment and more insightful.  This isn't to say that I experience GRAND revelations or some otherworldly perceptions, it feels just "more right".  It feels like the coincidences and random happenings of life seem to align and the pattern that connects these seemingly arbitrary acts of chance coalesce and make sense.  Maybe not complete and total sense, but more sense than otherwise.  However, when there's an imbalance, everything sort of careens into chaos.  In most cases, it's nothing too dramatic, but they are the everyday frustrations that seem to pollute any kind of mental peace or wellbeing.  The little pebbles in the shoe seem to add up until they feel so much bigger and larger and more imposing than they really are.  Because really, most of the things that I fret over are very little indeed.

Much of maintaining balance is how I deal with things and in essence, my own personality traits.  Sometimes when there's a problem in the world, I look inside myself to see why it is a problem.  The world is a mirror to the self.

I struggle a lot with my relationships in life.  Part of me wants to be the fun-loving, popular kid surrounded by friends and at the heart of all the bustle.  The other part of me is more quiet, contemplative, and prone to solitude, existing on the edges and away from the crowd.  I have to admit that I am growing ever more towards enjoying isolation.  I find it harder and harder to "deal" with people nowadays.  I get this sensation that they want more of my time and energy than I am willing to give... and there becomes a struggle.  Maybe because I realize that I don't have the boundless energy of youth and that I feel the consequences of being depleted and feel them profoundly.  Sometimes people try to pressure me and try to emotionally manipulate me and control me.  I get it.  They may not be actively and intentionally doing it, but it's there.  Each of us has that hunger for more energy and we go to where we think we can find it.  Sometimes that's in another person.  Sometimes it is from a compulsion or a passion.  Sometimes it's from a physical place or a way of life.

As I become more mindful of these situations, I realize that part of this is my own fault.  I can't say that it is someone else's issues.  We all have issues.  The source though of my own struggles is myself.  I've created these psycho dramas where I put myself out there, as far as I can, and then run the other direction and hide.  It's a seesaw.  It's an imbalance.  I put myself in situations where I create dependency and expectation.  I put myself in roles where I am a source of energy and then I am shocked when people come to me for that energy that I offer.  And when I say "energy" it comes in many forms – it could be time, emotional receptiveness, mental headspace, or even physical objects that are imbued with my intention.

So it comes back around to... how to deal with the imbalances?

I wrote a little bit about my intentions on Facebook about seeking a level zero, completing all the outstanding projects and promises, and then sort of work from an even place of existence.  Also, not creating situations where there is a perpetual cycle of overextending myself or offering more than I have to give at any given moment.  I often use what I am capable of as a form of energetic currency, and I am finding that it's a higher price than I am willing to pay on most days.  It wears me down and makes me feel exhausted.  It's okay to say, "No, thank you."  For so long, I was conditioned to say yes to everything and while that served its purpose, it also created an imbalance.  I have to remind myself to say yes to the things that make my heart sing and say no to the things that do not speak to me, moving me by intuition and a higher guidance and alignment.  So the current goal is getting back to zero, where my commitments are maintained and not allowed to go too far one way or the other.

I think another important thing for me is establishing boundaries, both mental and physical.  I've put myself in a situation where people can contact me so easily and that ease of connection allows more people freedom to attempt to engage in this energy exchange.  I've been trying to channel my communications and engage in exchanges only when I feel ready to, instead of when others feel ready to.  And it has been met with struggle.  When you offer easy access and then pull away, there is friction and frustration.  Sometimes people get mad, thinking that I am ignoring them or not wanting to interact.  That's not always true.  For me, I need to communicate in the ways that do not constantly impede on the flow of my energy.  For instance, when I sit down to finish a project and then my phone lights up with notifications, instead of allowing the energy from the Universe to connect to my head, my heart, and hand and then to the act of creation, the notifications are distracting me from this.  Instead of focusing, I worry over if I've offended someone or if they are mad at me that I am not fast enough or did what they wanted to their satisfaction and then I freeze up.  I get tired by this constant EXTRA expenditure of energy, this control drama that repeats so often because I allow it to.  I've attempted to course-correct by becoming a hermit in some ways.  I don't leave the house and limit my social interactions.  This was mostly borne from feeling emotionally wiped out from the constant expelling of energy and wanting to create a private, safe space where I didn't give any energy away.  While this has been good in some ways, it has also been bad in others.  Again, it comes back to finding balance. The idea is to get back to zero, where there is not an imbalance, where there are meaningful exchanges of energy and everyone can feel that equilibrium and equality.

Of course, like most balancing acts, it looks easier than it really is.  A tightrope walker looks so graceful and effortless, but that wasn't always the case.  Their sublime relaxed composure, in the face of staggering heights and dizzying consequences, was carefully cultivated.  Balancing acts are all about active and conscious participation, and hopefully after purposeful and mindful practice, that effort becomes second nature and flows easily and beautifully.

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