Fester...

I remember a conversation that I had when I first moved to New York.  I was talking to a friend about a mutual acquaintance who had just received their first solo show.  I'm ashamed to say that what I said was unkind.  Instead of being happy for them and their good luck and hard work, I was resentful and jealous.  Bile fills my mouth when I think about it.  And... I still think about it. Even years later, I remember how I let my higher self down and allowed my lesser self revel in meanness.

While I regret that conversation, I am thankful for what it taught me.  When you're negative and allow poison to cloud your mind, it festers and grows.  I could have had a wonderful friendship and a relationship built on mutual respect, but instead I gave into bitterness and spitefulness.  What could have been sweet had been soured.

Years later, I tracked down the person that I had talked badly about and apologized to them for what I had said.  The person said that it was so long ago and that they didn't remember it and that bygones were bygones.  It's a testament to how forgiving and kind they were.

Sometimes when I feel that meanness squirm in my stomach, I remember that conversation.

Instead, I try to focus on being happy for others and their successes.  When I feel sad or angry or frustrated, I try to fill my heart with gratitude and pride.  Eventually there isn't enough room for all the bad stuff.  It gets pushed out by all the good.  I'm not perfect and am far from enlightened.  I know that I'll never be free from those negative feelings... they'll always be around, but it's up to me to determine how much I give those feelings permission to impact my life.  It's up to me to decide whether I empower the positive or the negative... and deal with the consequences of my thoughts and actions.