Days Like These...

I'll skip the hollow promises of blogging more.  While there is every intention to communicate in a more meaningful way and return to my roots, it seems like now just isn't the right time.  Days like these seem to slip-slide by in a runny blur of activity and I am just not in that mindset at the moment.

For the past few months, I've sort of been in a fog.  Deadlines loom like hanging swords and unmet expectations weigh heavily.  I find myself feeling scrapped raw emotionally and navigating the everyday world has not been easy.  Despite everything, I persist.  I try to wear a brave face and try to carry on.  It feels like the smallest efforts are manufactured miracles, summoning up more than what I've got to give.

I think the worst part is the feeling of guilt.  For the most part, I have everything that I want and need.  Of course, there's always more that could be desired or acquired, but at the heart of it, I have a good life.  It isn't always easy, but it is still worthwhile and rewarding.  But at the same time, there's a swirl of feelings that is elusive and impenetrable like a dense mist – once you clear a spot, it fills back in.

Reminding myself to be patient (with myself and others) has helped.  Also remembering that even though one might have many blessings, it is still okay to feel disconnected and it is still okay to struggle.  It helps to focus on gratitude and to fill the heart with appreciation, but still... days like these can be slippery, sneaky things that contain hidden barbs and unexpected jabs to the heart.

Small steps.  Quiet footfalls.  Fumbling.  But still moving forward.